Killer's Death Sentence Commuted to Life in IT

A condemned murderer whose plea for clemency was turned down by California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and stayed by the 9th US Circuit Court of Appeals has been commuted to "life in the IT industry" by the Governor of California. The 9th US Circuit Court of Appeals spared convicted killer Kevin Cooper from death but Governor Schwarzenegger sentenced him to a fate "that would make him dream of death" in reply.

"I have seen the average IT worker. Baggy eyes, repetetive stress injuries to the hands, no social life, a high paying but unsatisfying job that demands your mind 24/7 and forces you to sit in a cube in front of a glowing monitor all day. I know I'd rather be dead," Schwarzenneger commented, "Luckily, in this great Golden State, we have a need for such people."

Right-wing critics claim the punishment is too weak for a man convicted of hacking four people to death. But Schwarzenneger countered, saying Cooper would be "applying Linux patches, porting apps to NetBSD, and trying to make the mouse work in X for the rest of his life." He would also have the opportunity to see his job get farmed out to India during recession years.

Left-wing opponents jumped on Schwarzenneger's suggestion that Cooper be forced to "code in LISP exclusively," saying it was cruel and unusual punishment. Protestors lined up outside the governor's mansion shouting "This makes us no better than the killer himself!"

Schwarzenneger is taking this idea for punishment one step further, with a bill to be suggested to the legislature that money be put into teaching all California inmates to code in C++. "I've always heard it said that C++ is best learned at gunpoint. Now we can not only teach inmates useful job skills but punish them for their transgressions at the same time," Schwarzenneger explained.

"Which do you think is worse," Schwarzenneger added, "death by lethal injection, or being an empty shell of a person with a BMW, an SUV, two point five kids, and a suburban home that you'll be paying for until you are on medicare?"